Why Did I Get Married: A Confession

When I was a single man, life seemed great. I could do what I wanted, go where I wanted, date whomever I wanted, etc. I could get up at a moment’s notice and travel to the ends of the earth in pursuit of my personal happiness. I could take my savings and spend it on dreams that have taken me literally to the highest mountain tops. I could stay out all night long and not have to remember the day before or expect anyone to ask. I was responsible for me and could afford to be irresponsible. I was a jerk, a liar, a cheat, a heart breaker, a creep, a player, a sinner. But I was an all around smooth guy that could talk his way into some of the most wonderful situations and out of some very dangerous ones. I could spoil myself with a vast variety of experiences; different flavors of women that somehow still could not quench my insatiable thirsts. I could explore my options uninhibited by guilt. Other people were unimportant. I was a child then.

I was not emotionally, spiritually, or relationally mature enough to truly handle adult relationships. I was too interested in power, pleasure and my own happiness to have the lasting enjoyment a monogamous relationship can bring. I did not care about hurt feelings, loving feelings, just the immature arousal of physical lust. Ironically, I thought I was happy, even when those I should have cared about were not. I had somehow come to the conclusion – or delusion – that people knew the expectations of the “relationship” and that they were just willing participants in my twisted games of the heart. Instead of me being Moses leading the people I care about to a better Promised Land, I was constantly breaking treaties, exiling them and leaving a trail of tears.

I was not willing to accept that other people existed; that they were special. That they possessed a unique quality that should be exalted not exploited. I was blind and could not see them internally, deaf to their cries and concerns, and did not desire to touch their hearts, if their bodies were intangible. I was “smelling” myself, as the old folks say. I was an arrogant, pompous, ostentatious coward, too afraid to expose the inner most regions of my being. It seemed that opening up would reveal the well orchestrated hoax that was cloaked with a beautiful smile, profound vocabulary, an unrivaled intelligence, and an unrestrained capability to create adventure. I feared that others would know that I did not possess all the answers, that I was filled with self-doubts and insecurities. That I was secretly in pain from utter loneliness and despair. That I was more unraveled than I led on to be. That I was desperate to not be alone or experience abandonment and rejection. Consequently, I engaged in multiple, simultaneous and inappropriate relationships. Addicted to the feeling that sexual experience would provide. People were reduced to body parts and the stimulation, affection, and comfort came not from human contact, but was sexualized. I felt a sadistic sense of safety.

But no one knew these things of me. At least I did not allow them close enough to me for them to intervene, or hang around long enough for them to express their concerns. No one was allowed to penetrate my soul’s inner chamber. My friends would get frustrated at my inconsistency, my withdrawal, my seemingly erratic behavior. They would be angry at my progressive distance, lack of consistent communication, and inability to open up as they would with me on occasion. They did not understand my absence from the relationship, the unavailability that has perhaps forever left gaps between us. They did not – could not – know the extent of my pain. The child inside of me still searching for the loving touch of his father. The angry kid deep inside still caught in generational addictions and curses that manifest in the most deplorable ways. They did not know how unworthy and inadequate I perceived myself. The masks I have worn that resembled laughter, adventure, experience, and poetry. I was unreachable because I did not believe I deserved to be reached. Consequently, I soaked myself in sin that concurrently cured my afflictions, while at the same time reinforced them. My lonely pain was temporarily eradicated with the enticing touch of a stranger. Yet at the same time it confirmed the delusion that I was a bad person. One-night-stands were the norm. I delved deeper into pornography, adult bookstores, losing my cable because of pay-per-view charges got too high. I was in a relationship with sex and was too afraid to seek honest friendship and heart-felt human romance.

I have always traced my incontinence and nefarious behavior to my first love. We met in high school and quickly became an item. I fell hard for her. I genuinely liked her and showed her love throughout our time together. I saw her as beautiful, intelligent, sexy. As with most first loves, my infatuation led me to believe that she was perfect. I believed she was incapable of hurting me and I poured myself into her. I exposed myself through beautiful poetry and prose that proclaimed my love for her. I was in awe when in her presence. She provided a warm space where I could be free to reveal who I truly was. I felt an acceptance that I had not experienced up until that point. It was like she was my air, thinking that a moment without her would cause me to suffocate and die. I wanted to die when I found out my angel had fallen flat to the earth. Reality revealed its ugly head when I discovered she did not love me the same. That she had several relationships while we were together. That she had lied about her virginity and was still in a sexual relationship with her ex, a schoolmate of ours, and perhaps even more (I admit, my emotional memory may have intensified her behavior over the years). When I confirmed some of what was going on, it was like she ripped my heart from my chest and placed it in a shredding machine. Or trampled my soul as though I were caught in the path of a herd of elephants.

I hated myself for loving her. I despised the fact that I wanted her back; even after all I had found out about her activities. I felt like an idiot for loving her; for trusting and believing in her love. I blamed myself for her behavior. I felt that since I was unworthy, inadequate in some form, or not deserving of love, that I did not deserve to be treated well. It was truly embarrassing. I justified her behavior with a self-loathing attitude that said I was at fault in some way. “If only I had done more…” “If only I had not…” “Why didn’t I give….” These were the thoughts swirling in my mind as I dug deeper and deeper into my self-doubt and depression. I felt lost and alone and wanted to duplicate the wonderful feelings that I longed for with her – only without the risk of getting crushed like a speeding tractor trailer being smashed into a concrete wall. I was determined to reinvent myself; construct a wall around my heart and soul and guard it with deadly force. I secretly vowed to never allow anyone else to get close enough that they could hurt me in that way. It began with me attempting to lose the part of me that cared. I purposely sought the companionship of those I knew I could only give a portion of myself.

I vehemently refined myself and rehearsed a charm that could mask my truest intentions, my deepest feelings and utmost desires. I learned how to manipulate situations that would fuel the fix of my sexual high. I fell in love with sex and the wonderful feel-good it provided, though temporarily. Relationships were valued on if and when I could have sex. Everything revolved around sex; it was the center of my life and the reason to live. I would find myself in crowds and observing women for the potential conquest not companionship. It was sick – I was sick. And I needed a way out.

It has taken quite some time for me to realize these repulsive qualities about myself and more importantly that the origin pre-dates my first love. First Love, I forgive you and I am sorry. I now realize that the cold loneliness, self-pity, self-loathing, angry, hurt portions of my personality were only enhanced by that experience, not necessarily caused by it. I have placed more time and energy into creating an exterior that is quite wonderful, full of life, doused in inspiration, well spoken, beautiful, and learned. However, I have allowed my interior to remain damaged and beaten, broken and confused. For too long I have been slowly dying on the inside, deteriorating away like a rotting corpse. To all the girls I have loved before, I am sorry. I have in many ways taken your beauty and attempted to use it to try and make me whole. I have tried to find my laughter in your sweet smile. I have tried to replace the hurt and damage within myself with the wonderfulness you have freely given to me. You have allowed me to trample over you like a wild horse, while patiently you have stood there rope in hand trying to tame me. I sincerely and deeply apologize to the men you have loved after me; for you comparing my thoughtlessness and insensitivity to their good intentions. For not giving them a chance to get close because I had pushed you away. For wanting to do to them what I had done to you. A couple of you had even broken through the wall I built and for a moment we loved each other the right way. But, I was missing an important ingredient in my development that you just could not provide. That I could not provide for myself. This, I realize had to only come from a Higher Source.

On November 2, 2007, I rededicated my life to God, fully accepting Him into my heart and desiring to be a new creation, leaving behind my past. I immediately felt the awesome power of God that resonated throughout my body, mind and spirit that provided me a personal strength I had never felt in my life. I knew that I was more than what I believed myself to be, more than my actions, more than how others perceived me, more than my mistakes. I turned my obsessive personality into a passion for Christ. I was dedicated to fasting, prayer, studying His Word that began to give better meaning to my life. I wanted nothing more than to discover my purpose, to utilize my natural and acquired abilities to lead people to an amazing place where God is head of their lives. God allowed me to open myself up again. Completely. God gave me permission to set my fears aside and discover what love had in store for me. I was ready to love again. Ready to potentially be that fool for love and fall deeply for someone that loved me just the same. God made me ready to love again. Ready to accept me wholly and give of myself to someone, accepting them for the perfect imperfection God uniquely placed within their heart. I was ready to discover what it felt like to want to give your life to someone, entrusting them with your all. I wanted to know the feeling of falling head first and the prayer that God's outstretched hands are there to cushion the impact. I prayed only that I had the strength to overcome my pain and that He forgave me for all that I had done.

And it happened. All of a sudden it happened. I was in the midst of being obedient to God’s calling on my heart by serving His children with the Youth Ministry at the church I was attending. We had organized an all night lock-in for the youth to run freely, listen to inspirational teaching and get closer to their peers as they took on the awesome challenge of building a better relationship with God. I was one of the four adults there. Two of them were married. The other was a gorgeous representation of sunshine. She had a smile that lit up my darkened soul. She carried a beauty with her like an expensive purse full of riches. When she spoke a cool breeze traveled up my back and made my spine tingle. In her presence, the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up like a frightened puppy in the midst of his master. We introduced ourselves to each other and did not cease the conversations until the dawn of the next morning forced us to part ways. I said a prayer that very night, “Lord, thank you for all of Your infinite wisdom and wonderful ways. Thank you for all that You continue to bless me with. Lord, if it is Your will, show me the path to matrimony. Reveal to me my wife. Show me with whom I am to spend the remainder of my life….” She called.

I stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago, realizing that God often speaks to us and answers our prayers through signs and situations. He revealed several signs and placed us in situations that allowed us both to know and accept that we were meant to be together. Beyond the fact that we shared similar life goals, similar interests and talents, we both displayed a passion for God and trusted that He would guide and lead us to our place of purpose. A year and half later, we held hands in front of two hundred of our friends and family and proclaimed for the world to hear that we would not let anyone or anything put asunder what God had sanctioned and put together. We swore in the presence of God that we would continuously bind and rebind our connection with the strongest glue of His Word. That we would make sure that the institution of marriage would be tougher than any situation or circumstance that would arise. That we would pray the hard times away. Read our love into a rock that could shatter any spirit that comes to attack our union.

The minister said something very poignant at our ceremony, “Not all marriages are in trouble, but every last one of them is in danger.” Meaning that all marriages are constantly being attacked by forces that attempt to break it up. It is constantly being bombarded by external powers that take the form of ex-lovers, co-workers, strangers at the Mall, in-laws, unmarried friends, talk show advice, magazine columns, research statistics, and un-Godly people. More at work than ever in a marriage is the amplified internal struggle that once again shows its hideousness resemblance to past mistakes that you believed you had gotten over– or at least forever repressed. It takes the form of unresolved insecurities. It brings to light a flawed and faulty upbringing. It conveys messages that confirm your deepest fears. It frustrates you to no end because you begin to overestimate the power you have to change the other person, while underestimating the power you have to change yourself.

You develop the tendency to hold on and dig in to protect yourself from losing yourself. From being stripped of what you believe to be your ideal self-image that you are too afraid to give up being with someone that demands compromise. No one says that marriage is easy. As a matter of fact, nearly all that have entered into this institution insist that it is difficult. Some do not make it, balking at that pressure that it seems to conjure up. Some treat it like a commodity, an article that can be traded for advice from a relative. That can be bought or sold at the solicitation of a stranger. That can be thrown away because the interest is lost. But love is supposed to be stronger than that. It is suppose to support you in these times of trouble. It is supposed to conquer all. Be all.  Love is faithful and forgiving. When you truly love someone you are patient. You take your time and give the benefit of the doubt – not doubt the benefits. I love being married – in spite of how hard it is. I truly enjoy the ability to open myself and share the inner most regions with someone I love, even though she often has to pry it out of me. I did not enter into this institution lightly and will strive to be with her until the end of my days.

I have actually, finally matured to the point where I do not desire to return to the walled-up child that was too afraid to explore and express his feelings. I am ready to be strong in the face of adversity and accept responsibility for my portion of the difficultness that occurs in my marriage. I am willing to not give up when circumstances seem impossible to mend. I will give my problems to God and pray He empowers us to seek Godly counsel, remain steadfast in our prayer regimen and daily devotion. God has already provided us with the tools to repair any hole in our soul to make us whole again. He has already given us exactly what we need to get us to the next level. This is why I got married: because I believe in her and the beautiful spirit she has to make me want to fight for her love. Because God has sanctioned our union and blessed us in a tremendous way. Because I love her. With all my heart. Even though I know that love by itself is not enough to keep us married. It will take the hard work and conscious choices to work through the hard times – no matter how hard.  It will require the two of us to beleive in this endeavor and desire to give our all.

But we cannot allow our doubts to be our traitors or let our ego rule over us. We cannot allow fear to forge a path to an exit. That which is fear is everything love is not. We must not let our thoughts wander carelessly into an unrealistic fantasy that perfection can be achieved. We must hold fast to our vision and never allow our passion to wane. And we truly must know that God is in control and all things are possible with Him. With God all things work to a greater good. And believing in this very fact, we realize that problems are a part of solutions. Pain is a part of healing. And sorrow is a part of joy.