It did not ring true until I told it to someone else today. There he was in my office, reeking of failure, sadness, a self-loathing that can only result from years of misguided-ness and mistake. "Look dude," he said with an unconfident determination, "all I want to do now is sit at home and raise my son." Without missing a beat I said, "Well you know he doesn't know anything but what you teach, and he certainly will be looking up to you to for lessons. Not teaching is a form of teaching in way" he nodded his head as if he understood.
"I know." he said after awhile in a lowered voice, realizing the mis-education he has already provided his three year old student. "Possession and dealing, man, I'm looking at 18 years. Dude, they tryna give me 18 years!" he said answering a question I was probably asking with my eyes.
"You know," I said with a teacher-like-preacher-like-fatherly-like tone, "mistakes happen, and most of them have consequences. We are probably no different. We have even made similar mistakes. But, it is not the mistake that is important, because we all make them. It is what you do after the mistake that matters most."
Lately, it has felt like I have been living in a haze, not knowing what to do or how to react. But there it was like a loud bell ringing in my ear, or an annoying alarm clock blaring off minutes after I had pressed the snooze button to return to my slumber. It was like the light of a brand new morning was coming and there was nothing I could do about. In other words, I was telling him the exact words that I needed to hear for myself and my own personal strife I was experiencing at that time.
It was medicine I was administering, yet not prescribing for my own afflictions and ailments. Those are the hardest pills to swallow. It was the answers to tests that I already knew were on the syllabus. Intelligence withheld is folly at best. And I was tired of being stupid, tired of the same old situations emerging in my life that I have helped defeat in another's. I was weary of fighting battles on foreign soil, while domestically, my security had been breeched and I was on the brink of civil war. It seems most difficult to wage war on an enemy that is the inner me.
Our business was finished and he prepared to leave. Just as he was approaching the door, he stopped and turned around and walked back over to where I was standing. "Thanks, man. Thanks for the little pep talk. I…I know it will make a difference." We shook hands and he left. I felt sort of like a hypocrite. Like a failure. I felt as if I was defrauding myself of the much needed education that I was freely giving to others. I made a choice at that moment, a promise to myself that I would strive to be the very best that I could be. I figured I was not living up to my potential; after all I had literally been on top of the highest mountains. I had already traversed the earth adding adventure to my repertoire of memories. I was already a commissioned cadre of positive consciousness. As a matter of fact I am powerful. Beyond measure. Beyond what I was not forgiving myself for. Beyond what unhealthy spirit I had allowed into my heart. Beyond the insecurities that manifested itself in self-deprecation and depression.
It was not arrogance, but an adjustment of attitude that allowed these conclusions. It was the greatness displayed 19,340 feet above the earth. The wonderfulness shown crossing the finish line at the end of a marathon. The beauty of dreaming so large that I would certainly have to augment my audacity to hope and change my perceptions of limitation. I made a promise to no longer be afraid to utilize this power to continually change my life, and inadvertently change others. And I was beginning right then and there. No longer did I want to be the vagabond paradoxically giving financial advice – the beggar lending millions. But instead, I wanted to claim my riches as a cache for my own spiritual and emotional wealth. True altruism begins at home. I want to live up to my potential in the sky like I did looking down from atop mountains.
I smiled. Returned to my desk. And even though it was still cloudy, somehow I knew the sun was just on the other side, not hiding, but waiting to make things better again. This is the first day of a wonderful life, briefly interrupted, but still….a wonderful life.
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